Thank you, Gnanak Gerhardson Munnangi, for a great question!
Although it may seem a bit distrusting to consider the motives of someone seeking your friendship, doing so may reveal a lot about yourself. When I saw this question, I was tempted to say that in a friendship I would like caring and understanding, as well as shared interests to enjoy together, but it quickly dawned on me how selfish those expectations are. Perhaps placing expectations on a friend is selfish and not really that friendly at all. As usual, if we look to the history of philosophy, we see that this question has been around for quite some time…
Investigating the motives behind friendship seems to assume that the friendship in question belongs to the category, “friendships of utility”– a type of friendship Aristotle recognized in book 8 of the Nicomachean Ethics. This type of friendship is based on the usefulness of each party to the other. This is problematic in that the friendship rests not on a certain individual, but on some external function of that individual. I love peanuts. Seriously, they don’t last long in my house. But if my only requirement for our friendship is that you bring me peanuts regularly, then I’m not truly friends with you. You can say I’m friends with your ability to bring me peanuts, something that most people can do. This is a weak friendship because as soon as you stop the deliveries our friendship is over.
Aristotle dismisses this type of friendship, saying that it isn’t a friendship at all. A true friendship can only be had by virtuous persons, because only the virtuous can acknowledge a virtuous trait in someone and value them for that reason; you are friends with someone because they are true to their word, say, so you know that any plan you make with them will happen. This gets us to a point where we are valuing someone for some “internal” trait, but it still seems to be stuck in an eddy of selfishness. Maybe the ability to keep a tight schedule gives you pleasure.
Epicurus, a Hellenistic Greek philosopher famous for his hedonism, said that friendship has its roots in mutual benefit. You bring me peanuts and I’ll never cancel any plans we make. Though this seems to be selfish, there are some scholars who read Epicurus as saying that such a friendship gives us the chance to exercise our virtues: we both can exercise our dependability. Though this may be a bit of a reach, it is still an interesting take on friendship.
In any case, one thing we know is that many philosophers in the ancient world seemed to agree that we needed friendship in order to be happy. This discussion isn’t really about why we should be friends with people; it is about how we should be friends with them. In this light, perhaps the better question is this: What do I expect of myself when someone wants to be my friend?
What do you think? What do you expect in a friendship? Let us know in the comments.
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Image: Friends Under the Rain, by Leonid Afremov (credit)
I received a BA in philosophy from the University of Texas at El Paso in 2008. After that, I spent roughly a decade traveling Europe and North America as a touring musician. Now I am working on a master’s in philosophy and philology at the University of Gothenburg in Sweden with the goal of teaching at the university level. Some specific areas of interest include medieval grammar and free will. Michel Foucault’s approach to the history of philosophy has been a huge influence on me, and his work on notions of the self and power structures bring history to the present.